


Grocery Shopping

by sentient_bees



Series: The Adventures of Parker and Keener [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Peter Parker is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-12 13:54:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17468840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentient_bees/pseuds/sentient_bees
Summary: Harley and Peter go grocery shopping. Chaos ensues, because doesn't it always?Vlog perspective / it's literally just grocery shopping.





	Grocery Shopping

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came to me because my cousin and I went to Sam's Club one time and had the time of our lives running around and taking stupid videos. Enjoy.

“Here’s the list. Don’t forget,” Tony handed Peter a print-out of their weekly grocery list, “Pepper doesn’t like the cheap stuff. None of that cheese singles nonsense.”

 

“Got it,” Peter scanned the list. Tony had asked him and Harley to go grocery shopping for the penthouse. Normally they’d have their groceries delivered, but it was a Sunday-- the only day in which the grocery’s delivery service was closed, and their house was entirely devoid of food. Save, some leftovers from last night’s takeout, an abundance of condiments and other useless sides, as well as a carton of milk Peter was sure had gone bad. So they had to do it the old-fashioned way. By going to the grocery store, in public, like normal people. Like heathens.

 

Tony, of course, found any excuse to busy himself in his workshop while handing the job off to his pseudo-sons.

 

Harley took the list from Peter and quickly read it over. “Brussel sprouts? Kale? String beans? Since when did you eat healthy food, Tony? I thought you lived off of doritos?” 

 

“Uh, since Pepper started writing the shopping lists,” he replied, one foot already in the elevator, “And, Peter, be sure to get enough food for your metabolism, I don’t need you passing out on me again. Oh, and, try to keep it all under five-hundred, okay? Pep will kill me if she finds out we spent more than we are allowed for the week” he ended the sentence with a hint of sarcasm lacing his tone.

 

“Will do, boss,” said Peter, giving a mock salute. Tony then turned his attention to the AI who closed the elevator, his enhanced hearing catching him mumbling something about ‘having so much damn money but still being put on a budget because of ‘morals’ and ‘responsibilities.’’

 

Peter turned to Harley, who shrugged and handed him back the list. “Let’s go. I can bring my camera if you want. We can make a vlog out of it.”

 

Peter pulled a face, “Uh, no offense Harley, but literally no one is going to care about grocery shopping.”

 

Harley offered him a sly smile, “Oh, young grasshopper. What I have to teach you in the ways of entertainment!”

 

“. . .I’m a year younger than you.”

 

\----------

 

A shaky camera was propped onto the dashboard of an expensive-looking car interior, Harley in the driver’s seat and Peter leaning back in the passenger’s seat, nearly out of the frame.

 

“Hey everyone! Today we’re going grocery shopping,” said Harley, “We’re going to get food for our house, if you didn’t already know what grocery shopping is.”

 

“We’re Tony Stark’s grocery shoppers!” Peter remarked from his laid back position. 

 

“Yep. Tony Stark’s very own personal grocery shoppers. We don’t get paid though.” Harley made a face as he turned onto another street, “We don’t get money for doing the shopping for him. Corrupt one percent, am I right?” Peter nodded sagely.

 

“I can’t believe we’re even doing this for him,” Peter scoffed, “I mean, this is the thanks I get--”

 

The camera cuts to Harley saying “okay, we’re here!” He says it a little bit too enthusiastically. Peter jumps up from his reclined seat, suddenly appearing in the frame, whooping.

 

“LET’S GET THIS BREAD!” He yells.

 

“YEAH!” Says Harley, “WHOO!”

 

The frame cuts to Harley calmly examining a can of tomato soup. “So here’s a can of progresso tomato sauce. This is Tony’s favorite because he’s a loser.” He tosses the can, along with a few others, into their basket. “And this is dumpling and chicken noodle soup, because we actually have taste.” He collects an armful of soup cans and throws them into the basket with a loud crash.

 

The camera cuts to Peter, walking through the cereal aisle. “Tony said to get enough sustenance to sustain me through through the week, so here we go I guess.” He picks up two boxes and tosses them into the basket.

 

It cuts to him, with a deadpan expression, knocking about ten more boxes into the basket. He looks at his work with a satisfied expression before pushing the cart out of the frame.

 

Seconds later, he’s running down the aisle and riding the back of the cart before crashing right into a shelf. Harley bursts out laughing before it cuts off.

 

\--------

 

As Harley walks down the produce aisle with a basket-and-a-half of food, Peter mumbles something next to him, and the camera zooms in on him examining avocados.

 

“It’s an avocado! Thanks. . .”

 

Another cut: “waelcome to my kitchen-- we have bananis. . .and avacadi.”

 

Harley’s phone rings, and he hands the camera to Peter. He looks at the caller id. “Look kids! It’s an old person” The camera pans to show his phone, with the contact name ‘Tony Stank’ lighting up as it buzzed. He answered the call and put it on speaker, “Yeeeeess?”

 

“Hey. Just letting you know that you guys can choose dinner. Buy whatever you think sounds good.” A pause “. . .just not tide pods.”

 

“Aww man, but that’s my favorite!” Peter exclaimed from behind the camera. 

 

“Just, please, buy actual food. For the love of God.”

 

“Fine,” Harley huffed, “but I can’t guarantee it will be for humans.”

 

“What? Wait, Harl--” He pressed the end call button before Tony had a chance to protest and looked at the camera. “Well kids, guess it’s time to go figure out what we’re eating for dinner.” 

 

\--------

 

A few minutes later, they had collected several of the expensive items on their list and several other things.

 

“Okay, so this watermelon sale says we can buy one get one free,” Peter said as he examined a sign next to a large collection of watermelons. . .which means if we buy five, you can buy five more and get them for only half the price!” 

 

Harley puts the camera down. “Dude, go big or go home. Twenty watermelons. At least.”

 

“Okay. . .twenty watermelons total! For the low low price of. . .forty dollars.” He smiled and began stacking the watermelons into a third and forth cart they had gotten.

 

\--------

 

After buying everything they needed on their list, they headed to check-out.

 

The cashier, in their early twenties, stood wide-eyed at the absurd amount of groceries they had collected. Within a few minutes, however, they found themselves checking out twelve boxes of cereal (for maximum sustenance), twenty (twenty??) watermelons, a large stack of frozen pizzas, a birthday cake, about seven packs of pringles, and various other expensive and (somewhat) healthy foods.

 

“Hey! We’re Tony Stark’s personal grocery shoppers!” Harley pointed the camera at the cashier, who stared into the camera with such intensity Peter could swear he was about to get up and quit his job right that second. Their total was four-hundred seventy five and ninety eight cents, which they high-fived at.

 

Once all of their items were bagged, they headed out-- Peter got quite a few stares from passerby as he was carrying far more than should be humanly possible, and of course not dropping any of it. They loaded everything up into the trunk and backseat of the car before turning the camera on again.

 

“Okay guys! We’re ready to go home!” Harley showed the camera the large stack of groceries in the back of the car before Peter slammed the trunk shut and the camera cut. 

 

The rest of the video consisted of them heading back home, unloading the groceries, and Peter eating about five bowls of cereal as they vlogged the rest of their day. 

 

\--------

 

Later that night, after eating a few of the frozen pizzas the boys had bought with the camera propped up on the counter, Pepper stood up.

 

“Okay! I made something yesterday for dessert tonight,” she walked over to the fridge.

 

Only to find that it was entirely filled with watermelons.

 

Tony burst out laughing while both Harley and Peter looked absolutely mortified that Pepper Potts of all people had discovered their prank first. They glanced at each other as Pepper turned around to give them a stern look, which shut Tony right up.

 

“Tony, dear?”

 

“Yes, love of my life?” 

 

“Didn’t I ask you to do the shopping?” 

 

Tony froze, and the two teenagers looked over at him in shock. Harley was the first one to react.

 

“Unbelievable! This is support of child labor!” 

 

Pepper shot him a look, which in turn made him curl in on himself. She sighed.

 

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to eat watermelon for dessert. And breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. . .” she trailed off as she reached into the refrigerator for one of the melons, the two boys both letting themselves relax. Tony, too, let out the breath he was holding. 

 

“I’ll help you, dear. Do you know what goes well with watermelon?” He opened the freezer, “Um. . .birthday cake, apparently.”

 

By then, both Peter and Harley had decided to make a run for it as Tony opened the pantry to reveal eleven boxes of cereal. “Oh, come on!"


End file.
